From the Archives: Having "The Talk" about Santa

a greatest-hits post

I’ve met a few parents over the years who don’t do the Santa thing because they don't want to “lie” to their children. That stand has integrity in its own way, but it seems unnecessary to be so absolute about it. Myths are tales that give meaning and texture to our lives. As a seminary professor of mine liked to say, “Myths are truer than journalism”: that is, true in a deeper way than a mere surface recitation of facts.

Myths also bridge the gap between the world as it is and the world as we’d like it to be. In the case of Santa, the man embodies grace. As much as some of us chide our kids about lumps of coal and Santa’s naughty list—and setting aside the reality that Santa showers more gifts on wealthy homes than poorer ones—the fact is that no matter who you are or what you’ve done, you will be remembered on Christmas morning.

But if you participate in Santa, you need to be ready for some messiness later. There will come a time in which a kid still believes in Santa, but older siblings or classmates know the whole deal. One of our kids asked for “the truth” about Santa many years ago, and we shared it. Interestingly, the following year the child acted as if the conversation had never happened. There’s not always a clear before and after with these things. Sometimes there’s a willful forgetting, a benign sense of denial, a pretending as if. And that’s OK.

When my young children would ask questions about Santa, I’d usually preface my answer by saying, “Well, the story goes that...” This puts me in the role of the communicator of a folktale rather than some perpetrator of a fraud. If kids are inclined to continue believing, they will accept this framing. If they’re ready to push further, they will.

In fact, though there are many ways to have the Santa conversation, this is the one that makes the most sense to me—to approach it as a story. Below is the gist of what we’ve said to each of our three children, usually when their questions turned from idle to insistent (and trust me, you’ll know when it’s time for this conversation). I’m recreating it here as a single commentary, but this always unfolded over a series of short conversations, in age-appropriate language.

The story of Santa is just that… a story. It began a long time ago, with a man named Nicholas, who was a bishop in Myra, in present-day Turkey. Nicholas was a humble man with a special fondness for children. He had a reputation for secret gift-giving, such as putting coins in the shoes of those who left them out for him. There are many other examples of Nicholas’s generosity that were told. Over time, Nicholas became Saint Nicholas, which is the church’s way of honoring him.

And his story spread, as beautiful stories tend to do. It was such a beautiful story that everyone wanted to be a part of it, not just in Greece and Turkey, where Nicholas was from, but all over the world. People changed the story somewhat and called Nicholas by other names: Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, and yes, Santa Claus. Just as Nicholas gave gifts in secret, so do parents and other adults give secret gifts to children.

The story of Santa has continued all these centuries because it’s a powerful story that helps give our lives meaning. And that story has not ended with you asking the “truth” about Santa. Santa is as real now as he was the moment before you asked the question. And the story will continue as long as there are people willing to tell it and live in it.

Yes, the story goes on—it’s just that you're in a different place in the story now. Before, you were in the part of the story that received gifts as if by magic on Christmas morning. Guess what? You still get to be in that part of the story. But now you also get to be in the part of the story that shares those gifts with other people. 

There are all kinds of characters in stories like this. There are characters who think the whole thing is silly and a waste of time. That’s their right. Some people don’t need magic, or they have other ways to access it.

Then there are the people who go around telling younger siblings or other children the “truth.” You can choose to do that if you want. But I hope you won’t. Because then you’ve robbed them of their place in the story, and their ability to choose when they’re ready to leave. I hope you won’t take that choice away from them. They’ll find another place in the story when it is time.

The conversation can end there. For those who claim the Christian tradition as their own, it can continue:

When I said earlier that the story began with Nicholas of Myra, that’s not really true. Because Nicholas was part of an older and deeper story, the story of Jesus. Jesus’ life was one of giving to those around him, living simply, sharing good news with hurting people, and asking others to follow his example. Nicholas decided that he wanted to dedicate his life to living in that story. So many of us, when we participate in the Santa story, are also participating in Jesus’ story. For others, the Santa story is not connected with Jesus, but with the spirit of giving. That’s OK too.

Over time, you will have questions about Jesus’ story as well. How can a man die and come back to life? Are all of Jesus’ miracles really possible? What happens to us after we die, if anything? I have all of those questions too, and probably always will. But the bottom line for me is that the story of Jesus has grabbed ahold of me and won’t let me go. It's the story I want to live in, as best I can, for as long as I can.

~

Steady on, friends. See you next week.